Golf is Fun
Last week while my sis (Anna), my wife (Beth) and myself (me, stupid) visited my parents house for the week things got a bit boring. Anna came up with a brilliant idea to head out to the local country club and go golfing. Beth had some work to do, so she stayed behind, it was just Anna and I. We loaded up my brother Garrett's car with all the clubs we could find in the garage and the two of us headed out. Just as we left the driveway one of my other brothers, Alastair, was just coming home from school. We asked him to come with, hoping that he could give us some pro tips since he actually knows how to golf and is very good at it - Anna and I had never been golfing before. We made a quick stop at the local grocery store and grabed a sixer of the crappiest beer we could find, Old Milwaukee.
When we got to the country club we went inside, rented a cart, paid for three people, and picked up some super slick golfing hats. As we got to the golf cart, we grabbed a 112 year old lady who was passing by and asked her to take a picture of us, so she did:
being 112 years old, she was highly confused by my digital camera. she would press the button, then immediatly whip the camera downward just as the flash was going off (making for blurry pictures) and announce "I dont' think it went off"
i assured her it went off, and things were getting strange with her, i just wanted my camera back, but she quickly tried to snap another better picture.
and again...
112 year old lady: "It didn't go off?!! I think your camera is broken"
Me: "no, it's fine, thanks, i saw the flash go off"
112 year old lady: "I don't think it went off, let me take another one quick"
oh, hey, that last one actually turned out alright. you can tell that Alastair is also a bit tired of this lady by now too.
THANKS OLD LADY!
anyway, we head to the first tee and find a golf ball sitting in the grass. Alastair picks it up and we decide to toss it down the road and watch it roll 345 miles away.
if you look close you can see the golf ball rolling down the road just in front of that white mail box
good fun, good fun. but this was just the beginning of our adventure. First things first, Anna fills out the score card. we have no clue what we're supposed to do really, and Alastair was keeping it all a mystery. There was a space under each of our names where we list our handicap. My hip had been bothering me earlier that day, so i put that down, Anna scribbled in that her back was a little cramped, and Alastair put down -1000. not sure what that was all about, i guess he didn't have any handicaps or something.
Oh, yeah, at the grocery store, Alastair got a big huge honkin energy drink shaped like a battery. He's a retard so when he opened it, it fizzed all over the place:
mmmm, refreshing battery acid:
time to "tee off". i had no clue what i was doing, so i just grabbed the most "interesting" club i could find
as anna prepared to take an awesome ground-level action shot of me swinging, i decided to attack her. she was scared, and in her flinching she snapped this shot
so, it turns out that club really sucks. it just stuck into the ground when i tried to swing it and launched about 14lbs of grass/dirt into the air. Alastair helped me find a better club, and i swung:
and boy oh boy did that ball SAIL! check it out, this is me showing off where it landed as Alastair prepares to tee off:
and, he wailed on the ball
and it flew very very very far away. i wasn't very proud of my swing anymore at this point. Anna was up next
and she did terrible, there's the ball flying a whopping 6 ft in front of her.
then Alastair said something about white tee offs and red tee offs and some crap, and he had my sister move up to swing from a different spot and then go again
it didn't help:
here's a shot of Anna swinging farther down the fairway while Alastair attemps to take cover by leaning in a bit
beer closeup:
Anna trying to figure out where her ball just went:
On like my fourteenth swing (first hole still) i hit the ball soo freeking hard i couldn't even see where it was flying off to... oh, wait... fuck.
Anna decided to try surfing off the side of the golf cart, it was scary to watch
Here's Alastair golfing like a pro, and yes, those are batting gloves.
FINALLY, we made it to the first hole! Here's a shot of Alastair putting like an ass hat
At the second tee off we found a box with a bunch of fertalizer and soil and shit in it. Anna prepares for my golf club roto-tilling
Anna teeing off
Whoa, what's this? It looks like she's up to something...
Oh yeah B), time to take out the recycling...
Random shot:
Here's a shot of Alastair showing off where his ball landed on the third hole. It was a totally awesome drive, it went about 8346 times farther than mine or Anna's.
Action shot:
Good fucking christ. here's the shot i had on the third hole. If you look close you can see the flag just barely to the right of those two fucking huge trees.
After this hole, we took a break and let some people pass us up. I think they were getting annoyed because we were taking soooooo long on each hole. While we waited, we found a mystical magical contraption: a ball cleaner!
I tried it out first, in goes the ball:
then i scrubbed:
and scrubbed some more:
LOOK! CLEAN BALLS!
Then Anna took a shot at it:
and she scrubbed like mad:
Enought ball scrubbing, time to get a move on! We hit more balls, walk on more grass. this is a shot from where my brother an I almost got killed by a golfball traveling at mach 3 hit from Anna there in the distance. We're pretty sure that was her best swing of the day judging by the speed and distance. Too bad it was straight as us, on a different fairway, and not straight towards the flag on the hole she was supposed to be aiming at.
Alastair poses:
Anna takes a drink:
then we realize we're out of "beer" so we take a quick detour to the clubhouse. this also allows us to refuel and let some more annoyed golfers pass us by.
At the clubhouse we had a "pint" (apparently in Bloomer, WI nobody has any fucking clue what a pint is) of beer and bought some exciting drinks to take back out to the course with us. We were very excited to find our old friend Sparks
Here's a shot of the refilled golf cart, that thing on the left is some crazy energy drink that Alastair got
As you can see, the golf cart has a build in recycle bin, pretty slick:
Here's a shot of how prepared Anna was to swing, she had everything laid out nicely just waiting for her turn, what a golf pro:
I teed of, and HOLY SHIT! oops. where's the box of dirt and shit at again?
Here's anna at the hole representing a new style she had just invented:
We brought our friend Sparks onto the green to cheer us on
But that little bastard just made fun of me when i missed my putt by this much:
Here's anna teeing off with her improved style:
On the next hole, my ball landed in a, um, tough location. Here i am falling down the hill cliff while trying to stand still so Anna could snap a shot
jesus christ it's impossible to swing standing on a 70 degree slope:
after that hole we putzed around some more to let more peole pass us up. Anna decided to take the go cart for a little joy ride and almost ended up in the hospital. I hear a weird sliding sound, and them my sister yelling "HOLY FUCK THAT WAS CLOSE!" i turned around to see this:
On the next hole we decided to try happy gilmore style. Alastair was awesome at it, i was moderalty bad at it, and anna totally sucked at it:
then i had Anna run over my foot with the golf cart
One the last hole [we only played 9 holes] we decided to make it more interesting:
the people behind us were NOT amused. they were so not amused that they started yelling at us in the distance: "GET OFF THE GREEN!!!!"
we retuned the cart:
and made Anna carry all the shit back to the car:
